How To Solve the Middle East Crisis
A Concise Guide to Modern Diplomacy
by Arianna

Step 1: Sacrifice

Take away all of the guns. Take away the AK-47s, the Uzis, the sub-machine guns, the semi-automatics. Take away anything that resembles a weapon. All of the metal. All of the chemicals. No more of those large-volumes-of-pure-arsenic-under-the-car-hood tricks. Just water will be allowed.

Then take away the sticks. Sadly, the rocks must go, as well. These people are not ready for sticks; they cannot handle the power of the rock. No pointy things.

Step 2: Provisioning

Grant each villiage one plastic spork.

Step 3: Assimilation

Forcefully place a paper bag (with breathing holes) over every living person's head. All look same.

Step 4: Deportation

Randomly generate lots and lots of numbers. Turn the random-number fun into the Israeli Housing Lottery! Re-assign everyone to different places throughout Israel, but don't tell them where they're going.

Step 5: Communication

Immediately switch the official language of the State of Israel to Esperanto. Supply each living person with one new copy of the "Concise Esperanto and English Dictionary," available for only $16.95 at Amazon.com. Speak any language other than the new official language on pain of death by spork.

Step 6: Intermarraige

Let soup simmer on low heat for fifty years. Leave lid partially removed.

Step 7: Additional Provisioning

Grant each villiage a second plastic spork.

Step 8: Recovery

A la Bulworth, when everybody is the same color, and the only language anyone knows is Esperanto, the paper bags can be removed, and everyone can get their sticks back.