Aaron Buys A Bagel
A Short Story
by Aaron Greenspan

9:37 A.M.

I'm hungry. I'll take a shower, get dressed, and go to the dining hall and get a bagel.

9:57 A.M.

It's really bright outside with all of this snow. Why does it take so long to get to the dining hall?

10:03 A.M.

WHY IS IT CLOSED? Last time I was here past 10:00 it was OPEN. Stupid...grrr...workers...argh. OK, I'll go to Brueggers.

10:10 A.M.

That's weird...the Brueggers logo used to be on this door. Maybe I'll go around to the other door. I see: judging by all of the profane graffiti on the wall, Brueggers Bagels has gone out of business since the last time I was [expletive deleted] here, which couldn't have been more than a couple weeks ago. Fine. I'll go to Au Bon Pain and spend my life's savings on a bagel.

10:12 A.M.

Wow. Since there is a large group of Japanese tourists in the next line over, I think I'll go in this one. It's much shorter.

10:18 A.M.

The Japanese tourists are halfway though their meals, and there are still three people ahead of me—the same as when I got here. I think I have actually found the slowest cashier on the planet. Anywhere. It's incredible, really. She's having trouble getting that guy's muffin off of the plastic tray because it's...heavy? It must weigh all of six ounces. Oh, good, now just two people in front of me...

10:22 A.M.

Aaron: Hi. I'd like a cinnamon-raisin bagel with strawberry cream cheese.
Evil Au Bon Pain Woman: I. Am. Sorry. We. Only. Have. Plain. Cream. Cheese.
Aaron: Plain's fine then.
Evil Au Bon Pain Woman: And. Dill. And. Veggie. And... Plain.
Aaron: Yeah, I'll have plain.
Evil Au Bon Pain Woman: And. Grmhgbmm.
Aaron: What?
Evil Au Bon Pain Woman: Honey. Walnut.
Aaron: Plain is fine.
Evil Au Bon Pain Woman: For. Here. Or. To. Go?
Aaron: To go.
Evil Au Bon Pain Woman: That. Will. Be. $1.67.
Aaron: [Thinking] ?!?!
Evil Au Bon Pain Woman: You. Are. Number. 96. You. Can. Pick. Your. Bagel. Up.
Aaron: [Thinking] You can't even make a bagel?! But... But... OK. Fine. I'll pick my bagel up.
Evil Au Bon Pain Man: [Odd Grabbing, Slapping and Thrusting Motion] Number 96?
Aaron: [Thinking] They don't even put the cream cheese on the bagel for you?

10:24 A.M.

Thank god I'm home.

10:27 A.M.

This bagel sucks. I think this story is deserving of a web page.

11:14 A.M.

Metin: Hey are you going to brunch?
Aaron: [Thinking] Holy mother of God. It's Sunday. Annenberg doesn't open until 11:15.