Aaron Flies an Airplane
An Illustrated Short Story
by Aaron Greenspan

October 11, 2003

HELLO PASSENGER WE ARE NORTHWEST AIRLINES WE HAVE CHANGED YOUR TICKET WITHOUT ASKING YOU FIRST HERE ARE YOUR NEW TIMES HOPE YOU LIKE THEM BLARIUSDHFUIAGH! BY THE WAY IF THEY ARE INCONVENIENT TOO BAD BLARHAUHFHSHUA. BYEBYE.

January 2, 2003

8:42 P.M.

Aaron: Hey, Tim. Is your flight on Northwest to Boston tomorrow at 11:50 A.M.?
Tim: Yes it is!
Aaron: Very interesting. Northwest changed my flight, so now I'll be getting in at midnight. It's not really that convenient, or even safe given Cambridge of late, so maybe I'll try to go standby on yours.
Tim: OK.
Aaron: I'll see you tomorrow then...maybe...if I can actually get up that early.
Tim: Alright, see you tomorrow! Er, yeah...maybe...
Aaron: Bye.

9:00 P.M.

Aaron: Hi, I'm booked on a flight at 5:00 P.M. to Boston via Detroit. I'd like to go standby on an earlier flight. Is there any way to tell if there's room on the Mesaba Airlines flight at 11:50 A.M.?
Incompetent Northwest Airlines Drone-O-Man: Let me check, sir...
Aaron: Thanks.
Aaron: [Taps fingers for approximately three seconds]
Incompetent Northwest Airlines Drone-O-Man: I'm sorry for the delay, sir. It looks like the flight from Cleveland to Detroit should be no problem, but the flight from Detroit to Boston might be iffy.
Aaron: Delay? What delay? You took more time to apologize than you did to query your godforsaken database!
Aaron: Alright, thank you.
Incompetent Northwest Airlines Drone-O-Man: Thank you for calling Northwest Airlines. Have a good day.

January 3, 2003

1:00 A.M.

Tim: Hi, I'm calling to check on the Mesaba Airlines flight 3387 to Detroit.
Curiously Stupid Northwest Airlines Employee: Alright, sir, one moment please while I check on that.
Tim: [Thinks about Zoombinis for approximately five seconds]
Curiously Stupid Northwest Airlines Employee: That flight appears to be delayed by one hour, sir.
Tim: Hmm, that might make me miss my connection in Detroit. Is there another flight I can get on then?
Curiously Stupid Northwest Airlines Employee: We'll put you on flight 1823 leaving at 10:28 A.M. You're all set.
Tim: OK, thanks!
Curiously Stupid Northwest Airlines Employee: Thank you for calling Northwest Airlines. Have a good day.

1:43 A.M.

9:00 A.M.

[Sleepily] Hmm, today is the day that I will go back to Boston because winter break is over. I am happy. I am sad. All at the same time. So confusing.

9:19 A.M.

Maybe I should check my e-mail before I go... Nah. I'm already way too compulsive about it. There's nothing important I need to read on a Saturday at nine in the morning.

9:31 A.M.

Better call Northwest one last time to check if I can still go standby...

Aaron: Would it be possible for me to go standby at 11:50 A.M. to Detroit, and then to Boston from there? I'm booked on a flight at 5:00.
Northwest Airlines Complete Idiot: So you'd like to go to Cleveland?
Aaron: No, Boston.
Northwest Airlines Complete Idiot: Hold on, sir, let me check on that.
Aaron: It's been ten minutes. WHAT is she doing?
Northwest Airlines Complete Idiot: I'm sorry, sir, I'm having some trouble with my computer. This doesn't usually happen! Please hold.
Aaron: Now it's been almost THIRTY minutes! I'm going to just hang up soon...
Northwest Airlines Complete Idiot: Sir? It looks like there is plenty of room on the 11:50 A.M. flight. It's not so definite on the one from Detroit.
Aaron: How many seats are free on the one from Detroit?
Northwest Airlines Complete Idiot: Thirteen.
Aaron: Thirteen? You're telling me it's likely that thirteen seats will fill up on a Airbus jet from Detroit to Boston on a Saturday in January in the next two hours?
Northwest Airlines Complete Idiot: Well, probably not, sir.
Aaron: Okay, thanks.

Argh! They need better database software! And better employees! And better...everything!

10:32 A.M.

Interesting. According to that monitor over there, it appears that the flight that I want to go standby on is cancelled. How convenient. I'm glad I called. I wonder if Tim is still here... Better check in, anyway, I guess. At least Mom has her cell phone if worst comes to worst, and she can just pick me up...

10:43 A.M.

Obnoxious Northwest Airlines Agent With Bad Hairpiece: DO YOU HAVE AN E-TICKET?
Aaron: Yes, but m...!
Obnoxious Northwest Airlines Agent With Bad Hairpiece: THEN YOU CAN USE THE ELECTRONIC CHECK-IN.
Aaron: Wow, your hairpiece is ugly.
Aaron: Yes, thanks. But the flight I was going to go on has been cancelled.
Obnoxious Northwest Airlines Agent With Bad Hairpiece: OH. COME OVER HERE THEN.
Obnoxious Northwest Airlines Agent With Bad Hairpiece: WHERE IS YOUR ID.
Aaron: I'd like to go standby on the flight at 1:30 P.M., I suppose. Do you know if that has any available seats?
Obnoxious Northwest Airlines Agent With Bad Hairpiece: IT IS TOTALLY FULL. [Laughs]
Aaron: Do you know what they did with the passengers who were booked on the 11:50 flight?
Obnoxious Northwest Airlines Agent With Bad Hairpiece: [Unresponsive]
Aaron: Do you know what they did with the passengers who were booked on the 11:50 flight?
Obnoxious Northwest Airlines Agent With Bad Hairpiece: NO.
Aaron: How many seats are free on the 1:30 P.M. flight then?
Obnoxious Northwest Airlines Agent With Bad Hairpiece: IT'S FULL! BUT YOU CAN STILL STAND BY IF YOU WANT. THAT'S WHAT STANDBY MEANS. YOU STAND BY.
Obnoxious Northwest Airlines Agent With Bad Hairpiece: HERE, YOU ARE DONE.
Aaron: [For some reason follows his directions to check-in at electronic kiosk.]
Incompetent Northwest Airlines Drone-O-Man: MARK 0 BAGS.
Aaron: But I'm checking two!
Obnoxious Northwest Airlines Agent With Bad Hairpiece: THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD MARK 0.
Obnoxious Northwest Airlines Agent With Bad Hairpiece: [Takes bags]
Obnoxious Northwest Airlines Agent With Bad Hairpiece: THESE WILL GET ON THE 1:30 EVEN IF YOU DON'T. [Laughs]

11:00 A.M.

TSA Lady: Greenspan, huh. Are you related to the Greenspan?
Aaron: Actually, I don't really know.
TSA Lady: That's OK, nobody cares anyway. Now go all the way to the right to scanner 6.
Aaron: That's interesting... I'm bypassing the long line...

11:02 A.M.

I am not wearing shoes. They are going through my stuff. All of my stuff. My company's mail is packed perfectly so that it won't get crumpled. They just dropped my pen and pencil out of my binder on the floor. Why? Because they opened the binder up-side down. That's right, ma'am. The zipper is really hard to open when you do it that way. Wow. The woman actually thinks my digital camera is a bomb. Oh good, I get a full body search, too. Good thing the wand thingy is designed to go off for no reason—only when between people's legs. They probably think I'm some kind of weird pervert now.

TSA Man: Is this your pen and pencil?
Aaron: What, do you think it fell out of the sky, through the roof, and under that very table?
Aaron: Yes.
Aaron: I'm sorry, please excuse me while I continue to be raped by your Republican friend here. TSA. Grrr...

11:08 A.M.

Well, at least we know I'm not a terrorist. But Tim's not here. The gate's empty.

12:00 P.M.

Maybe they put Tim on a direct flight to Boston on Continental? Or some other airline that doesn't suck?

12:04 P.M.

Hey, it's Metin! At least I'll have someone to talk to!

Aaron: Hey, Metin!
Metin: Hey!
Metin: I like rocks!
Aaron: Can I borrow your cell phone? Maybe Tim's sister will know what's going on...
Metin: Sure. I got an ugly doll.

12:28 P.M.

So Tim got on an earlier flight... Great. Definitely not here. Now that Metin's boarding, I will have no one to talk to. I wonder how he'll get those artifacts on the plane...

12:30 P.M.

Wow, that was easy. If you want to bring 500lbs. of rocks on a plane, all you have to do is yell at the flight attendants in a very threatening but scholarly tone of voice. Good thing they don't know his middle name is Ibrahim. Or maybe they just can't read.

I think I'll go back to my gate now. If the plane is full, I'll call Mom and go home. So I can go to the airport. Again.

1:00 P.M.

Finally, there's a Northwest employee somewhere in the airport that does not require me to be violated by the TSA a second time. Freaking amazing.

Clueless Northwest Airlines Ticket Counter Man: How can I help you?
Aaron: I'd like to see if I can go standby.
Clueless Northwest Airlines Ticket Counter Man: Actually, this flight is overbooked. I'm going to have to pay people to get off of it. You're already on the standby list though.
Aaron: Uhh, I guess if I'm already on the list I might as well wait then...
Clueless Northwest Airlines Ticket Counter Man: OK. I'll let you know if I have anything.

1:10 P.M.

Better call Dad to have him call Mom to tell her to get me. She can just call the payphone number here.

1:14 P.M.

Cleveland Hopkins International Airport Payphone: RING!

How nice of Mom. She's too busy shopping to pick me up. Oh, well. I probably shouldn't have hung up on her. I guess I can just wait around in the airport for four hours until 5:00. Damn it! Why didn't Tim let me know if he knew that the flight was cancelled? Why didn't Northwest know, either? I'm going to eat. I'm hungry.

Cleveland Hopkins International Airport Payphone: RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING!

I am not picking up that payphone again. Sorry, Mom. It's just going to keep ringing.

1:20 P.M.

Cleveland Hopkins International Airport Public Address System: AARON GREENSPAN. AARON GREENSPAN. PLEASE DIAL 5469 ON THE WHITE COURTESY PHONE. AARON GREENSPAN. AARON GREENSPAN. PLEASE DIAL 5469 ON THE WHITE COURTESY PHONE.

Shut up, Mom! I want to see if I'm getting on this plane!

1:25 P.M.

Must...not...answer... Must...get...on...plane...

1:28 P.M.

Aaron: Is there any room?
Clueless Northwest Airlines Ticket Counter Man: Actually, I think so. I'll put you on.
Aaron: Uhh, let me just go dial the courtesy phone real quick... I'll be right back! Thanks!
Aaron: Damn you, Mom! Couldn't you call any other time?

2:45 P.M.

There's a 3:07 to Boston. I don't have to take the tram. Or do I? I don't. Thank god.

Aaron: Hi, I was wondering if I could go standby on the flight to Boston
Overworked Asian Northwest Airlines Nut: No, I'm sorry. The standby list is closed.
Aaron: Closed?
Overworked Asian Northwest Airlines Nut: We have certain weight restrictions. I'm sorry.
Overworked Asian Northwest Airlines Nut: [To Northwest Airlines Asian-Mother Employee] NO! That's not right! I did that already!
Northwest Airlines Asian-Mother Employee: Do we have 10 or 11?
Overworked Asian Northwest Airlines Nut: It's late from Amsterdam... The weight is all off...
Aaron: Uh, maybe I don't want to be on this plane after all...
Northwest Airlines Asian-Mother Employee: I know him from Chinese New Year!

Why is everyone here Asian? Why is no one in Cleveland Asian? Why is this freaking terminal one huge line of seventy-something gates? Who is the idiot who thought this up?

3:15 P.M.

Maybe if I stand in front of the ticket counter so that they can always see me, even though that guy is clearly overworked, and the grandmother lady is totally incompetent, I'll still get on the plane...

Overworked Northwest Airlines Nut: Passenger Greenspan!

Wow, I might actually get to Boston before midnight!

5:30 P.M.

Finally! I'm actually here. I am so glad I will be out of the airport in an hour. It's 5:30 P.M. and I got to Hopkins around 10:30. This is ridiculous. Better call Mom and Dad to tell them I got here.

6:00 P.M.

That's odd, my luggage still isn't here. The carousel has been going for a while, too...

6:02 P.M.

Aaron: Hi, would it be possible to use my checked luggage receipts to track my bags?
Northwest Airlines Baggage Jerk Who Is Also Asian: I can try.
Aaron: Thanks.
Northwest Airlines Baggage Jerk Who Is Also Asian: I can't track them, I'm sorry.
Aaron: What?
Northwest Airlines Baggage Jerk Who Is Also Asian: I can't track them.
Aaron: Can you tell if they got to Detroit?
Northwest Airlines Baggage Jerk Who Is Also Asian: Hold on.
Aaron: That would seem like a logical first step, wouldn't it?
Northwest Airlines Baggage Jerk Who Is Also Asian: Yes, they got to Detroit.
Aaron: OK, so then where did they go?
Northwest Airlines Baggage Jerk Who Is Also Asian: I don't know.
Aaron: I don't understand.
Northwest Airlines Baggage Jerk Who Is Also Asian: Sometimes they don't bother scanning the bags in Detroit.
Aaron: Isn't Detroit your hub? What's the point of not scanning them if you're giving out these receipts?
Northwest Airlines Baggage Jerk Who Is Also Asian: You should wait until all the baggage is off-loaded from the carousel.

6:08 P.M.

Great. There are no longer bags on the carousel. Damn it!

6:10 P.M.

Aaron: Hi, same problem. So can you give me any idea of where my bags are?
Northwest Airlines Baggage Jerk Who Is Also Asian: The next flight from Detroit comes in at 6:52.
Aaron: Are my bags on it?
Northwest Airlines Baggage Jerk Who Is Also Asian: I don't know.

6:35 P.M.

I am bored. I can't read too much about Larry Ellison. He's just too slimy and disgusting of a human being to sustain for more than twenty minutes at a time. I think I'll look at Terminal E's new part.

It would seem that Terminal E's new part is really just completely empty. What a stupid waste of time, space, money, and life. They actually altered traffic patterns for this? Oh, and according to this monitor, the flight now gets in at 6:55. Great.

6:55 P.M.

Now I get to wait for another thirty minutes as Northwest does its record-breaking, mind-bending slow-motion luggage transfer from the airplane to the cart that goes next to the airplane. Wonderful.

7:15 P.M.

Yay! A bag that looks like mine! And what's this? It's been inspected by the TSA! Wonderful!

Yay! My other bag! I can go home!

8:15 P.M.

So glad to be home. Metin was here six hours ago because he chose to take Continental instead of Northwest Airlines. Better check my e-mail, now that I can... Hmm, an e-mail from Tim...

8:16 P.M.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The End